Desperate for truth

I've felt increasingly down lately. On the surface of things, there's nothing for me to feel down about but something's going on and it's taking me time to process it.

Even though Richard was studying at theological college and not me, I seem to have been affected by college in quite negative ways. We went into college confident that we'd had strong, formative years in ministry already and so wouldn't be shaped by the C of E college experience and, as far as I can make out, Rich has come out pretty much the same as he went in. I'm really pleased about that because it's important that he can stick to his convictions and not come under any heavy yoke.

For me though, I think I struggled with the amount of doubt and unbelief I encountered there. Most of my experience was in college rather than a local church and though you'd perhaps expect people to be focussing on faith, so many conversations I had were about how we don't believe in God, we don't trust God, we don't see him be true to his word. People talked about the Bible as though it's true in theory but they had little idea of how to work it out in their everyday lives. It's as though they're crossing their fingers and desperately hoping it's all true.

Anyhow, though I loved my college friends, I'm realising that an awful lot of this other stuff has rubbed off on me now. I feel negative and very spiritually dry. I went into college life relating to God in quite a childlike way and I now feel critical and cynical. Perhaps it's an Oxford thing too; Richard Dawkins' books in every shop window, books written specifically to counter his arguments and others to support them. It could feel suffocating so I tried to avoid it.

So now, I'm desperate to find faith again. True faith. I can't live a life which has a form of godliness but denies its power. For me, it has to be real or there's no point. It has been real in the past but I can hear the devil's whispers trying to undo what God's done in my memory. I think it's going to take some time to work through.

In the meantime, the curate's wife in me is busy making friends, having coffee with churchgoers and non-churchgoers and generally getting in on our new community.

"Don't do anything for the first six months"

This seems to be something that everyone says and on the whole, I guess it's pretty good advice. Particularly, if you've got older children and you need to spend time settling them in and making them feel as though you're still the same mum, there for them each day when they need you.

However, I've been surprised by my reaction to Rich's new job and, as I usually find with general principles and advice, it doesn't seem to be the right thing for me.

The Bible says that without vision the people perish and this is soooo true for me. I only need go a few seconds without a great sense of purpose and drive in my life and things dramatically fall apart. So I'm here watching Rich get started in his new job and suddenly I feel purposeless and out on a limb. Rich and I have always worked together to lesser or greater degrees and right now, this ministry stuff is all about him. While I recognise that this is now his day-in-day-out job and it frankly is about him, I felt God begin to speak to me too - that I must continue in my calling and not feel I have to sit back twiddling my thumbs while Rich enjoys his spotlight and just wait for the first six months to be over.

"Don't do anything for the first six months"? I think this advice is really to stop us from following other people's expectations and carrying on from where the last curate's wife finished off. We must give ourselves time and be realistic about the effect that the pressures of moving and so many new things have on us. But for me, I know I need to get started and that's what I want to do. My children are little and seem fine. I will watch and wait and see where God might be leading but it will be a proactive watching and a purposeful waiting and I will not hang back where I should be getting involved.

The generation gap

I've discovered that probably all people of a certain age and generation have some stereotypical ideas of the curate's wife. I wasn't expecting this at all, going to a charismatic and forward-looking church. But within the first month, I've had 3 over-sixties make some interesting remarks toward me: a gentleman commented on how I would relate to being in a situation where I didn't understand what the men around me were talking about!; one lady "strongly advised" me to go to a particular mums group and asked if I had my own transport, suggesting that Richard get a bike (which he already has) so I can go to this group; another woman telephoned me to partly discuss what a shame it was that the mums group she started years ago is now struggling to find leaders and how she was pleased I'd arrived and hoped that God would put it on someone's heart to lead the group!

If you know me at all, you'll know that though I'll serve if I need to, I try to avoid working with under-fives at all costs! I have noticed that when people are talking to Rich & me, they look at me when they talk about mums or children or babies (expecting me to produce another one some time soon!). I know though that for these people, it's just their way and they don't even realise they're not being very PC. They're only trying to help me to slot in and find friends asap, I just have to not take it to heart. These comments can catch you by surprise though and I can imagine that if I get too many of them, I may start to think I should be doing all the things they want me to.

Ordination day

Although long, emotional and exhausting, the day of Richard's ordination was really special and a great day to remember. It started at 6am in our house as we had to get all the family up and ready to travel down to Derby at 8am in convoy with Colin, our incumbent.

The cathedral informed us that there would be a creche room available but no one to look after anyone's children so we took a babysitter with us who would take Emily & Jojo into the creche during the service. Once we arrived at the cathedral, firstly they told us there was no creche room but then it turned out there was and it was supervised after all! Colin wasn't pleased.

Aside from creche issues, the service was long but bearable and had it's lovely moments, including the Bish washing the deacons' feet to identify himself as a servant with them.



The girls loved being able to finally see their Daddy after the service and it was great to see people who'd travelled down from Glossop to support Richard.

We had lunch with family and then made the trek back up to Glossop where a welcome tea at the vicarage awaited us.

After having very little sleep the night before and such a long day I was half asleep and close to tears by the time we got back but the congregations of the parish had been invited to the tea to welcome us and we needed to go. It was all a bit overwhelming for everyone by this stage and we stayed as long as we could. I got to bed at 6.30 that evening and slept for 12 hours!

That dreaded week ...

So what's the deal with retreat week? Rich was away from the Wednesday until ordination on the Sunday so at least it wasn't a full week. I was concerned that my mum wouldn't be able to stay 'cause she was supposed to be travelling but thank God she was available.

So with my mum looking after the girls, I took Richard down to the retreat which began with a lunch for deacons-to-be and their spouses at the Bishop's house. This was strange to begin with, not finding many people like us, but eventually we met some great people, including quite a few from St John's Nottingham. After lunch, it was back to Glossop, which incidentally is 2 hours drive away from Derby where the Bish lives!

My girls were SOOOO badly behaved for me and my poor mum whilst Rich was away. I completely lost control of them and both mum and I lost it with them once or twice. The night before the ordination, mum and I were both up in the night not just for the girls but also for me - I was reduced to a night of tears by the whole thing and resented the fact that I had to cart my family 2 hours south for an ordination service I wasn't even sure if I believed in.

What about the little ones?

I have a 4 and a 2 year old who coped amazingly with the move. I suspected they would but you never know do you? Jojo even mastered potty training in the couple of months leading up to the move. They had some particularly naughty weeks but weren't obviously anxious or upset.

On the day we moved in, a lady popped round and asked if she could take the girls to the park for an hour. Richard jumped at the chance and so off they went. I, however, was a bit shocked by all this and concerned that I'd let my girls go off with a complete stranger. (Richard didn't think to tell me that the lady helped to run the children's work at one of the churches and he knew exactly who she was!) Anyway, the girls came back raving about their time in the park and that lady has become one of their favourite people now.

Our first week in Glossop, Emily was particularly naughty, simply because she had nothing to do. One afternoon in a playground nearby, a gang of 7ish year old girls came in. Emily immediately stopped what she was doing and ran towards the girls with her arms outstretched exclaiming, "Friends!". Needless to say, the older girls weren't that interested in playing with a 4 year old and kept their distance! However, the next day I met a couple of mums and their daughters who are of a similar age to Emily and we now all meet up once a week .

Emily is going to pre-school three times a week and will start school in September. Joannah & I go to a little group at one of the churches. They both seem to be happy but I'm dreading the long summer holiday!

All that prep

I've realised just how much Contact (the spousey group at our college) really does prepare you for starting in a curacy. Spouses at college spend quite a lot of time thinking about and preparing for their partner's new job. We think about how it will affect us and our children; what it will be like having our spouse work from home (if that's the case) and work unusual hours; what boundaries we will need to place around our home/family/marriage. These really are good things to be thinking about.
Remember, though, your spouse will not be spending their time at college pondering on these things so it's worth talking about it together during your last term and then reviewing things each week to begin with once you're in your curacy.

Leaving Oxford

So it was all over. Richard had finished his time at Wycliffe Hall, we'd been to the ball and had a lovely time saying goodbye to the friends we'd made and we were now very much ready to go.

We found our curacy in the parish of Whitfield, Glossop in Derbyshire the previous summer and it felt like home before we'd even left Oxford. Now it was actually time to go.

Leaving Oxford happens very suddenly; one minute you're having quite a busy social life and making the most of the last weeks at college and the next you're gone. I suppose if you're around for a couple of weeks after the end of term, it feels very different but we left a few days after term ended and it was a bit of a shock - in a good way ...

Packing up to leave went very smoothly and quickly and we were soon travelling up to Sheffield to stay the night with friends before going on to Glossop the following morning. We were surprised that it only took half an hour to get from Sheffield to Glossop - our road is pretty much 2nd left at the end of Snake Pass.

Moving in was probably the best moving in experience you could want. We arrived to a wonderfully clean house. Members of the church had cleaned it up and also left food for us. There was even a bottle of bubbly in the fridge. The diocese (which had just bought the house 6 weeks before we moved) had freshly painted it for us, with the colours we'd chosen, and laid down new lino in the bathrooms. I was so happy I laughed and cried simultaneously for half an hour or so after arriving!

So we were here and felt really blessed. God had provided amazingly for us in Oxford and we knew he'd do the same for us here. We spent the next couple of weeks buying new furniture and stuff with Rich's robes grant so now it's looking great. I confess we spent a little too much but it will all work out ...