Desperate for truth

I've felt increasingly down lately. On the surface of things, there's nothing for me to feel down about but something's going on and it's taking me time to process it.

Even though Richard was studying at theological college and not me, I seem to have been affected by college in quite negative ways. We went into college confident that we'd had strong, formative years in ministry already and so wouldn't be shaped by the C of E college experience and, as far as I can make out, Rich has come out pretty much the same as he went in. I'm really pleased about that because it's important that he can stick to his convictions and not come under any heavy yoke.

For me though, I think I struggled with the amount of doubt and unbelief I encountered there. Most of my experience was in college rather than a local church and though you'd perhaps expect people to be focussing on faith, so many conversations I had were about how we don't believe in God, we don't trust God, we don't see him be true to his word. People talked about the Bible as though it's true in theory but they had little idea of how to work it out in their everyday lives. It's as though they're crossing their fingers and desperately hoping it's all true.

Anyhow, though I loved my college friends, I'm realising that an awful lot of this other stuff has rubbed off on me now. I feel negative and very spiritually dry. I went into college life relating to God in quite a childlike way and I now feel critical and cynical. Perhaps it's an Oxford thing too; Richard Dawkins' books in every shop window, books written specifically to counter his arguments and others to support them. It could feel suffocating so I tried to avoid it.

So now, I'm desperate to find faith again. True faith. I can't live a life which has a form of godliness but denies its power. For me, it has to be real or there's no point. It has been real in the past but I can hear the devil's whispers trying to undo what God's done in my memory. I think it's going to take some time to work through.

In the meantime, the curate's wife in me is busy making friends, having coffee with churchgoers and non-churchgoers and generally getting in on our new community.